Cynical

When I was an adolescent, I began to realize that the adults in my world were no better than I was at upholding the standards they held up for me. This had a profound effect on me. I became cynical.
It was like the veil had dropped and I began to see what people were behind the facades they promulgated.

You see, I was always a bit of a loner. At least, we moved around often enough that I learned to be alone. Every new town was a brand new, excruciating experience. "Great, now I have to face a whole new group of people. I have to try and find a way that I fit in." I knew if past experience proved true, it would probably be miserable. And, it always was.

For a long time, I thought the problem was me. But, then the veil dropped. For the first time, I realized that everyone was struggling as much as I was. And, I realized that people could be down right nasty. We are many times self-serving and too often disingenuous. That was how I began to see things.

I reacted. I purposely embraced those who lived on the edges of society. I rejected the status seeking, polite ways of the world. I felt like a reject and embraced those who were considered by society as rejects. At least, they were genuine. They were honest, even in their dishonesty.

And, that's how things went. Eventually, I found work in construction. I worked hard, partied hard, and stayed away from anything that smacked of decent society. I didn't trust people. I didn't trust institutions. Religious people were hypocrites. The government was out to get you. I was fully cynical.

Then, I went back to school. Higher education had just as profound an effect on me, particularly the study of philosophy. I began to think about things like "the common good." I began to see my own need to try and be a moral person. Somehow, and looking back it happened so slowly that I didn't even realize it, I entered into the veil of society. I became one of them.

Or, at least, I tolerated them. Somehow, my cynicism faded into the background. I began to care about our society. I began to care about the common good. And, somewhat to my surprise, I realized that I love people. Don't get me wrong, I am still a loner, an introvert supreme. And yet, I have found within myself an ability to engage this society into which we are thrust. I care about what happens, not only to individuals, but to us. I want good things for us.

This brings me to our current situation. I will make no bones about it, I am no fan of our current administration. I think many of the things that are happening are deplorable. But, and here's the thing, none of it surprises me. I am not shocked. I am not taken aback. In other words, and I didn't realize this until the last couple of years, I am still cynical.

What does surprise me is that people are surprised by what is happening. Did you really think people did not have a tendency to be self-serving? Did you really think people could not be fearful and hateful? Did you really think all of this was not possible? If you did, I am surprised.

At any rate, I still want to see the common good realized in every possible way. And, I'm not so cynical that I think it is not possible for us to do better. But, I have come to see some wisdom in my adolescent cynicism. There is much about my youth that I am glad came to an end. I am glad, for instance, that I care about us in a way that I didn't then. But, I know the dark side of things.

I know how ruthless people, even seemingly good people, can be. Even so, I will continue to work for the common good in whatever little ways are available to me. But, what I won't do is take any part in trying to restore the veil of "good and decent" society. I will not act as if something strange has happened. This is not strange. This is us. And so, I will embrace my cynicism of us even as I hope and work for what is best for us.